www.Dial-a-Dickhead.com » Dickhead Ramblings

11 Aug

Why do Dickheads crave sympathy

Posted By: Dick [Dial] // Category: Dickhead Ramblings

Ever noticed how most dickheads always feel sorry for themselves and have a hard-luck story to tell.

Perhaps this is a legacy of not being loved by their mummy when they were little. They can always put on this fake air of importance, but when they hit the grog or the chips are down, suddenly it’s everyone elses fault that they are the way they are.

They accept zero responsibility for their actions, and expect the world owes them for their existence. Hey dickhead, I didn’t ask for you when I ordered my perfect world so what the F#@K are you doing here!

All we owe them is a sharp knife or a length of rope so they can do them self in. That’s right! Suicide was invented just for Dickheads, so please, let’s do the right thing and not deny a dickhead the right to leave our perfect worlds.

Odd isn’t it how most of us can just sit and enjoy the beauty of nature, or value a fine conversation ……. then some dickhead wanders into our world to stuff it up. Duh … what’s a sunset …

Bit like these terrorist suicide bombers out there. They are such fuckin dickheads. They only took the job on because they were told it was a permanent position and they would only have to work a few minutes on full pay. What the wankers don’t realise is that the included health benefit package is of no use to them! What great dickheads suicide bombers are, but at least they are trying.

We could avoid all the un-necessary deaths caused by terrorism by simple offering potential suicide bomber dickheads a safe have to detonate in. Like we do for the druggo’s with shooting galleries, we give the dickhead terrorists a mountain top somewhere where they can blow the shit outta themselves without annoying others. Governments could even chip in a few bucks and provide subsidised ski-lifts and explosives for them. We could have trained medical professionals on hand to insert the sticks of dynamite up their arses hygenically! No more risk of AIDS from sharing detonators and fuses!

Don’t sit there any longer - do something about it now! List your dickheads, expose them and give them the glory they seek! That way they might just leave you and me alone for a while

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31 Aug

Pride goeth before a Fall Dickhead, and your ready to tumble

Posted By: User Image

Dick [Dial] // Category: Dial-a-Dickhead Hotlines, Dick's List of Dickheads, Dickhead Ramblings

Well here’s an update on one of our special dickheads, previously listed here.

This “bullet proof” dickhead has nearly reached the end of his line. Thank you to all the readers who sent SMS texts to +61422032109 for this loser too by the way!

Well since Dickhead was listed here, he has unfortunately been robbed. Yes, ever so mysteriously both items he had under finance were stolen by robbers apparently. Or… could it be that he tried to do an “insurance job” on them????

This idiot dickhead files for bankruptcy, and then arranges for his gear to get stolen??? How stupid is that! Well the best part is, dickhead didn’t bother to think that his insurance company might bother to check into his claim. Yeh thats right, he just assumed they cough up the payment direct into his bank account!

Unfortunately, “Neville” the nice insurance fraud investigator has been asking around dickhead’s mates, and has discovered that this dickhead has been bragging to everyone that he was going to arrange for his things to be stolen, so he could claim the insurance. Doh…. what a dickhead. Neville the investigator has been secretly interviewing the dickheads family members and friends, and has discovered that this dickhead is buddies with another dickhead mentioned somewhere else on this site.

It turns out that dickhead no2 has been associated with many many other fake insurance claims on “stolen” motor vehicles. Poor old Neville, he is astounded at what he has uncovered, so he simply cancels dickhead number one’s claim, and hands the entire case file over to the Australian Federal Police, as it involves interstate thefts too.

So, back to Jim the number one dickhead. Here he is blissfully cruising around in a car abusing everyone, not realizing that in a few days he will be suffering from “greasy-bum” syndrome, commonly found in most prison bitches. The worst part is that when dickhead no2 finds out that dickhead no1 has narked him up, he might try to share a cell with no1, and they can both share a greasy-bum together.

There are some dickheads in this world, and then there are dickheads.

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25 Jun

Get your FREE WordPress blog here

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Dick [Dial] // Category: Dickhead Ramblings

OziFree is now giving away FREE WordPress blogs just like this one! The only differences are that you don’t get our fantastic dial-a-dickhead template, and you don’t get all the adverts that we have here.

The good part for those in the know, is that the blogs are hosted on Australian servers, so access for us Aussies is pretty bloody fast.

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25 Jun

Meter Readers are Dickheads

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Dick [Dial] // Category: Dickhead Ramblings

The other morning we get a visitor in the office. It’s the electricity company meter reader, armed with his little meter scanner.

He wondered if I could unlock our side gate so he could access the electricity meters, as he couldn’t find the catch to open the gate.

I explained to him that the gate had no lock, not even a catch, and would he mind simply pushing on it, or even pulling on it to swing it open, as it had spring-loaded auto-closing hinges.

Boy was he red-faced! What a Dickhead! I mean seriously, where the #$@& has this guy been! The gate even has a sign on it saying “Disabled Access - Push to Open” with a little picture of a wheelchair on it!

Perhaps it is time that our money-hungry electricity company began to hire disabled people to read their meters. They wouldn’t have had a problem accessing our meters, because they can READ!

So here we are trusting a guy that can’t read a sign on a gate, to accurately read our power consumption for the period, so that we can be billed accordingly! Now i am worried!

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13 Jun

Dickheads by occupation?

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Dick [Dial] // Category: Dickhead Ramblings

While rambling on about my beloved friends the Curry-munchers, it suddenly came to me that we actually have an immigrational occupation issue in this country.

I mean, you read a credit application form filled out by our ethnic friends. Under “occupation” the Italian puts “Concreter”, the Curry muncher puts “Taxi-Driver”, the Maori puts “Scaffolder”, the Greek puts “Shop-keeper”, the Vietnamese put “Farmer”, the Romanian puts “Doctor”, the Japanese put “Student”, The Pommie puts “Store-man”, and and the list goes on.

What goes on here, are the Italian Concreters a legacy of Roman building times? Sounds feasible, even Japanese Students always learning, I have no problem with that. The Greeks have always seem to fancy the “Fish-n-Chips” or the “Fruit” shop, so that seems normal enough to me. History tells us the Greeks were great traders. I can also understand Vietnamese market gardens in a flower pot, but i am fucked if i can understand how the curries scored the role of taxi-driver!

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13 Jun

Curry-Cabbies, the ultimate illiterate dickheads

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Dick [Dial] // Category: Dickhead Ramblings

Let us never forget those well reknowned dickheads, the ethnic taxi driver. How is it that a well educated and presented teenager can fail the questions on a drivers license test??? It’s got me stuffed, when you can hail a cab, and find yourself greeted by a driver that can hardly speak any english, let alone read or write English, yet they amazingly pass not only a drivers licensing test, but also a cab drivers test as well.

You know the cabbies knowledge test where they have memorized the names of major roads, suburbs, and places of interest, and can suggest the most practical route there! These Cabbie dickheads think they can bluff us into thinking they know the best routes, but how many times have I been asked by a curry-muncher “How do I get there?” and not “Which way would be best?”
Even worse, if they are involved in a vehicle accident, they suddenly can’t speak any English at all! The Police should have the power to cancel their taxi-permit “on the spot”, on the grounds that the driver obviously did not have a sufficient grasp on the English language to have applied for it in the first place.
These dickheads are ferrying our loved ones all over the city, when they have paid a professional curry-muncher to sit the exam on their behalf! Does the government know about this scam? Sure they do, but apart from accepting a bit of “under the table cash”, they also acknowledge that there is a great shortage of taxi-drivers, as those who are not dickheads won’t work for a bowl of rice.
Now these ethnic super-dickheads have it down so pat, that Curry No1. who actually can speak a few words of english, actually has a taxi license and does the “day shift”. Then Curry No2. how speaks stuff all english other than “No Spik english” does the evening shift using Curry No1’s identity and license! when he is done, Curry No3. does the graveyard shift, again using Curry No.1 or Curry No.20’s permit.

The ID’s are shuffled around by “professional” Curries, who do nothing more than “rent out” the permits to the “No Spik Englis” munchers. This way the driving logs always show a “fresh” Curry behind the wheel. It is perfectly understandable that we have so many Curry-Cabbies, as we simply do NOT have enough 7-11’s to go around.

Imagine if every Curry-Cabbie saved up enough to open their own 7-11! There would be row upon row of 7-11’s upon every major road in every city across the globe. so why do currymunchers emigrate here??? because there are NO 7-11’s in their home country, and their taxis are drawn by water-buffalo!

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06 Jun

Dickheads at DickSmith Electronics ie Woolworths

Posted By: User Image

Dick [Dial] // Category: Dickhead Ramblings

Now that Woolworths owns DickSmith Electronics and Tandy, it makes for a bit of an interesting adventure when shopping for bloke gadgets. Our local shopping mall has the lot. We got Woolies, Tricky Dickies and Tandy all under the one roof. Now Dickies has the biggest range, and often better prices than Tandy, however the biggest difference is YOU GET SERVED AT TANDY, and grow a beard at DickSmiths.

Now the other night some dickhead decided to shoot out the window of my car, parked in my driveway at home. After the usual bit with the coppers, the crime scene gal, the lawyers etc, I thought what a great idea if I add another CCTV camera to my security system!

So as you do, I jumped on the net, browsed here and there and decided on a model available at BOTH TrickyDicks and at Tandy Electronics. Armed with the cameras item numbers, I gave Tandy a bell on the phone. The guy at Tandy without any rooting around or crap about “getting you one in” tells me straight up that he aint got one. No problemo! So I give DickSmith Electronics a call on the blower! Eventually wheezy Rob answers, chats, formalizes, and proceeds to look up the product number that I gave him from their online catalog.

After a bit more wheezing, he advises me that its my lucky day as he has one left in stock. I say bewdy mate, cos I want this thing installed before dark! I tells him that I will send my daughter down to buy the thing for me. Yep great he wheezes, just be sure to tell her to ask for “Rob”, because I have put it aside for you, how long will she be he asks? By now it’s 20 past 2, so I said about 15 minutes as we don’t live all that far away.

All is good, my enormously pregnant daughter waddles out to her car and drives off. Two and a half hours later she returns, very flustered and tired, but armed with a box in a shopping bag. I opened the box, and bewdy, it was just what I wanted! But then she tells me that when she arrive at DickSmiths and asks for “Rob”, she was greeted by a wheezing sumo wrestler who informed her that he actually didn’t have a camera in stock afterall. Sorry! I’ll give you sorry you effing fat DickHead!

Why tell a customer that you have stock when you don’t? Why, because you are too large to go an look properly thats why. A waste of effing space on this planet. Guzzling up precious oxygen at an alarming rate and turning it into farts. Anyway, Dickhead has a solution. he gets on the horn and rings around the other DickSmith stores, until he finally locates the item in stock at a distant outlet. So he sends me poor daughter off on a quest again, another 20 miles down the road.

The rest is history, after finding parking twice, walking considerable distances, and driving to the other side of the planet, the poor girl gets back here with the damn thing. Now if Mr Dial-a-Dickhead shop assistant has visually checked his stock, instead of assuming there was stock, he could have been the man the Tandy-Man was and said no matey i don’t have one. (Sorry, I meant wheezed not said) Then a fella would have made a few more calls, and sent his daughter direct to the store with the stock.

But no, not only do I get fucked over by a Dickhead, I find that this isn’t just an ordinary dickhead, but a barge-arsed hindenburg who is also eating all my food and breathing all my oxygen as well. Anyway the moral of the story is SHOP AT TANDY ELECTRONICS!!!!!!!!!!

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05 Jun

Fat Obese Dickhead Slobs

Posted By: User Image

Dick [Dial] // Category: Dickhead Ramblings

Ever stopped to notice all the overweight fat slobs in the world around you? They are everywhere man! Fat sweaty grunting dickheads who are ruining the world for the rest of us with their incessant munching and farting. No wonder there are children starving to death in 3rd world countries, the fatso slobs have eaten their rations!

Fat people should be penalized. They take up twice as much room in an elevator, 2 fatsoes fill the bench in a doctors waiting room, when usually 5 NORMAL people could sit. They chew up 2 seats on public transport, and above all they usually pong. Yep thats right they stink like stale sweat and piss because they can no longer wash certain parts of their body properly, because the can’t reach under their enormous sweaty gut any more.

They cost the cities and local government a fortune in public taxes with the rising cost of extra sewerage treatment, all brought on by their obsessive indulgence in food. It’s fairly logical that if a slob choofs through a gross amount of food a day, then there must be an even grosser amount of shit coming out to compensate.

Think of the extra costs involved beefing up bus-shelter and public seating arrangements just to support the weight of these gargantuan creatures. The strain on their heart muscles caused by trying to irrigate a thousand acre block of pure yellow lard with blood from a pump designed for a 10 acre plot! Extra burden on the public hospital systems again.

What about the increasing greenhouse gas effect, amplified by the hindenberg sized flatulence emanating from somewhere within those deep folds of sweaty slimy fat. It’s true, big people = big farts. The only think these huge dickheads save on is toilet paper simply because most of them can’t reach their arse to wipe it anyway. You try standing in an elevator next to some fat slob wheezing that’s like an old accordian, and emanating the odour of stale piss sweat.

Public transport loses out on millions of dollars in lost revenue by only carrying half the passengers that the vehicle was designed for, all because the rejects from Jenny Craig want to go somewhere fresh to pollute. Seriously, fat people are Dickheads unto them selves, with the extra burden they place on their body organs by forcing 1 organ to do the work of 10. Thats a major contributing factor in deaths among fatsoes!

Even in death they still cost the ole tax payer, there’s that oversize coffin that takes 2 trees to make, again ruining the environment more than it already is, theres the extra fuel waste by the excavator in digging an oversized hole to stuff the in. In the case of cremation, there is the extra work involved dismembering the body so it will fit in the bloody furnace, plus the extra gas required to burn the damn thing for twice as long. Again, it’s all extra emissions polluting the atmosphere, the loss of a second tree, the extra fuel the hearse uses just trying to get rolling, the bribes for the extra 6 pall bearers from the local gymnasium etc etc etc..

Just answer these simple questions and see if you are a fat dickhead or not.

Do you attract a police escort when you waddle down the street? Do you have to get out of the water at the beach just so the tide can come in? Have you ever been asked by a Lifeguard to move just so the ships can get past? Do you get hungry while eating? Do wild birds regularly land on your chest to feed off the crumbs? Do you bother lifting an arse cheek to fart while sitting? Does the Ferris Wheel at the amusement park stop rotating when you get on? Do you use more talcum than water when bathing?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you are a bloated dickhead! Stop crunching away on our dwindling food supplies you parasite. Too fat to work and to contribute towards the economy, fat barge-arses lead a parasitic existence draining the live blood from other less fortunates.

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23 May

It’s not just people

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Dick [Dial] // Category: Dickhead Ramblings

I have came to the conclusion that it’s not just people who are dickheads, but the majority of the animal world too.

Being a real lucky bastard, I somehow got “blessed” with having a bloody cat in the house! My daughter thinks that the sun shines out of it’s arse, but if I had my way I would be shining the sun with it’s arse!

Anyway, this young cat spends hours trying to climb up the doors and walls in the house. I mean, I am impressed as it can nearly make the 2 metre mark from the floor, but I am really pissed at the way it tends to slide back down the wall, using it’s claws as brakes.

What a Dickhead cat. That’s all it does is jump up the friggin walls. I even checked to see if it just had pepper or hot sauce on it’s arsehole, and maybe that was why it jumps. Nope, just a serious mental disorder I think, not uncommon in dickhead animals.

Still it is fun clipping its claws with nail clippers and watching it try to jump up the vertical drapes or screens. It gets a real dickhead look as it falls back safely to mother earth on it’s arse.

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21 May

DickHead Awards for Dickhead Web Sites

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Dick [Dial] // Category: Dickhead Ramblings

It is amazing the lengths Moocher Dickhead webmasters will go to to get back-links.

You would have noticed websites proudly displaying their “Awards” images on the main page, and some even dedicate an entire web-page just to hold their extra “Dickhead Awards”.

Now don’t get me wrong, there are a lot of genuine awards that have been presented to note-worthy web sites, from well known companies and organizations.

What we are talking about here, is the dickhead who gets an email that goes something like “Congratulations, you site was submitted for review to “What a Dickhead Site Promotions”, and has won the covetted “DICKHEAD SITE” award for 2010 ….. etc etc … Simply place the following code on your sites main page and this fancy dickhead image will appear on your site…..etc etc… thankyou for participating…. subscribe to our newsletter etc…….”

So what has happened here? - the dickhead web site owner now has a fancy black and gold badge (whipped up in Adobe Photoshop in 4 minutes) prominantly displayed on their Page Rank 6 web page, that actually “backlinks” to another-dickhead-website.com thats drawing on the PR6 sites for Google ranking. Read the Full Story here…

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